3 Becoming a mother

Just as mothers differ in many ways, so can their journey to motherhood. Some women have a plan, and this plan involves marriage, the purchase of a home, a discussion about having children. Then comes conception if you pardon the pun, and finally, the big question of what colour to paint the nursery.

Other women stumble into motherhood entirely by accident, but still have important questions to consider, like:

 “Jesus, where am I even going to put it?”


“Is my vagina even big enough to push a baby out of?”

Whatever type of mother a woman might be, few would argue that being a Mother is the toughest job in the world. Some have tried to argue, but they ended up regretting it! If the task of raising children wasn’t tough enough, women who choose to have a family, must do it under the watchful, know-it-all eyes of others, and they must do it every day for the rest of their lives.  

There are mothers who have one child, and these women are told they must  have more kids in order to create a proper family. 

“It’s not all about you, you know.” 

People will say that although they might not want more children, or be able to afford them, they must dismiss these feelings. Because in the long run, having a sibling will guarantee their child is never lonely. While having just one child lays the ground for a future serial killer.

Some mothers have four, five, or even six children.  When we see these a mother with a brood this large we say, 

“Wow you’ve got your hands full.” or “I don’t know how you do it.” Then we quickly walk away in case we accidentally say,

 “Jesus, what’s wrong with you, why have you got so many children ? ” or worse still, “I can’t help wondering, do your kids all have the same dad ? ”

I happened to know one particular mother who’s husband actually apologised to   her when she found out she was pregnant with her third child. But when she was 43, and found out to her dismay, that she was not  in fact too old to get pregnant for the fourth time, her husband said nothing at all. For five months neither one said a word about her growing belly, until of course they  had to.

“I won’t even be able to fit all my kids in the car now, “ she told me, sobbing!

What else can we say about mothers?

Well there are the mothers who don’t have husbands or boyfriends, and we call these deviants, single mums. It is terrible to be a single mum because their children often grow up to be criminals. Single mothers are very selfish and should go out and find a man. Even living with a violent, penniless loser is better than having no male role model at all with these poor, poor children. 

But even worse that these mums, there are the “lesbian mothers.” When we talk about these mothers, we must always say the word lesbian first, and we must hold our heads in our hands. Then we must mutter something about the complete disintegration of the nuclear family. Again we must be suspicious of this type of family. Having two loving mothers? God only knows how this child will turn out. There is, however, a general consensus that they will grow up to be confused, sexually disoriented, and often vegan. 

There are some women out there who have adopted children. If you know anyone who is this type of parent and you can ask her any questions you like about her kids, you might ask:

“Can’t you have kids of your own?”


“Do your children know who they’re real Mum and Dad are?”

These mothers will be delighted to answer your random questions. Don’t feel shy about asking such intrusive questions. They will have been asked them many, many times before and in a strange way, even be expecting them.

Shockingly some women are not mothers at all! Some women just don’t want children. Some women don’t actually like children. You can shoot me down in flames for saying so. There are women out there who have glittering careers instead of having children. Then there are those women who just never felt it was the right time. Maybe these women thought about children but decided on a dog instead. After all, even though they sometimes lick their bottoms (dogs), they don’t make nearly as much mess.

Some women want to travel the world or create long-term political and economic change in society. Creating political and economic change in society can often be tricky, particularly if you have a double buggy.

Yes, there are lots of women in the world who aren’t mothers, and we have many words to describe them—for example, childless, selfish, sterile, spinsters, barren, witches, lesbians, and frigid. Sometimes men do not have children either, and we call these men, men.  

We already know that being a mother can be tough. But even tougher is being a mother while also performing all the other roles expected of mothers in today’s society. Employee, employer, wife, partner, lover, cleaner, daughter, friend, cook, confidante, carer, and counsellor. 

What is the secret to staying on top of it all? How can we deal with the highs and the lows of parenthood as well as the demanding and sometimes hideous world around us? This mother finds sarcasm a great help, and this is her sarcastic story.


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