Christmas is just around the corner, and the Mother is busy writing inauthentic cards to people she has not seen or spoken to for several years. Esme is busy writing too. Esme has found the Argos catalogue and is busy compiling a list of things she wants for Christmas this year.
So far she is up to present number 33
“I’m being very helpful writing this list aren’t I Mummy?”
“Yes, darling,” says the Mother “very helpful.”
Mazdas are being very helpful this year too. They have sent her a little book of “point’s vouchers.” The more she spends at their store, the more points she will get, and what do points make? They make a microscopic dent on this massive spending fest.
The Mother looks through the booklet excitedly, there is so much on offer. For example, if she buys some organic quinoa a week on Tuesday she will get 30 bonus vectar points. Yes, this will definitely help her save money.
Money is something in short supply at the moment, but something she’s in desperate need of in order to pay for all those little extras. First, there’s the chocolate reindeer, with its ears ripped off. She needs plenty of them to drink her Baileys out of, well she can hardly use a bloody glass can she, not at Christmas. Then there were the stamps to be bought, which always cost her several hundred pounds. Although this year she was just going to buy second class, after all, there were only going to end up lost down the back of the sofa, along with all the other books of stamps she ever bought. Then there was the huge bag of weed she’s going to need to get through the whole fucking charade.
Anyway, back to the story, As well as points vouchers for random products the booklet also includes a useful list of the
“Top 10 most forgotten items at Christmas”
The Mother is quite sure that she has never eaten “Pigs in Blanket,” or the equally unattractively named “Goose fat.” In fact, she is not even sure what Pigs in Blankets were.
It’s not that the Mother is uneducated in the finer foods of the world, she prides herself on regularly shopping at the local Iranian supermarket, but growing up in a single-parent family in the 1970’s she was just never lucky enough to dine on goose fat. In those distant days, the most exotic meat to cross the table was “liver and bacon” and occasionally the ominously named “faggots.” She didn’t know what was in them either, mind you nor did anyone else. In the end, she googled it. Yuk Sausages wrapped in bacon that was like a pork chop wrapped in ham. Pigs in blankets and goose fat could be safely crossed off the list.
Next was the strangely and seemingly contradictory named, “Bread Sauce.” she wasn’t sure about this one either, she had heard of it, probably tried it as well, but had no memory of its taste. Things at Christmas should be memorable though the Mother like drinking Bushmills til the early hours of the morning and then being sick in your mother in laws garden. Bread sauce doesn’t make the cut either.
Number five was a gravy boat. The Mother had survived more than three decades without one of these and so was quite sure she can manage another few weeks. Besides, there was no room in the Mother’s life, let alone her flat for yet more junk that only gets used once a year. The cupboard under the sink was already packed full of such items, banana split bowls, a toasted sandwich maker, the slow cooker and of course the oven cleaner and the dusters.. She didn’t even want to get started on the fucking bread maker!
Cranberry sauce well there was still an unused jar in the cupboard from last year that would be absolutely fine, probably. Stuffing, Lidl. Savoury Biscuits Poundstretcher. Christmas wrapping paper Pound Savers. Finally Christmas crackers. Who forgets to buy crackers thinks the Mother, I mean they’re even called Christmas crackers! Christ if you can’t even remember them you might as well cancel Christmas.
That’s an idea thought the Mother, cancel Christmas just for one year. Surely she can’t be the only parent to think that was a good idea. None of her lot actually believed in God anyway. Esme still didn’t even really understand who Jesus Christ was, despite numerous recitations by the Mother of The Christmas Story.
“Can’t there be a different Christmas story Mummy?”
“No, Esme that’s the whole point, that is The Christmas Story.”
“Well, if the animals talked a bit, like in ‘The Ladybird heard then it would be a bit better. And another thing there aren’t there any black men,”
“What, I think you’ll find that given the fact that, hang what do you mean there aren’t any black men.
“The three white men, mummy, It’s a bit racist, I know it was a long time ago, you know like in the 1970s but…”
“Wise men Esme, It’s Wise Men,”
Jesus, The meaning of Christmas was wasted on her, It might as well have been Scobby Do’s birthday for all Esme knew or cared.
And just like that Esme lost interest in the conversation and went back to the Argos catalogue.
“Look Mummy, look what I’ve found, it’s one of those things your generation used.”
The Mother wasn’t to keen on the, ‘your generation’ comment, but she was intrigued to know what he was talking about. Ah, the Soda Stream, of course.
“We don’t have one of them, Mum.”
“No, we don’t,” said the Mother and nor will we ever get one.
Like that isn’t going to take a ton of room under the sink, because let’s face it, that’s where it’s gonna end up!
10 things to remember this Christmas – note to self
Uncle Mick and Aunty Marje are living separately at the moment; don’t send a joint Christmas card.
Nut roast (check it’s vegan)
When talking to members of extended family, remember Uncle Nevel is a massive racist, particularly if he’s had a drink. Auntie Sue is both racist and homophobic, and Uncle Tony is homophobic, but not racist. All Grandads side of the family are pro-Brexit
Callum is allergic to nuts
Sainsbury sells Vegan Baileys
After last year’s events, no one is to offer Glenn an alcoholic drink.
Betty does bite.
Conveniently now her kids have grown up, Auntie Lou no longer believes, nor celebrates Christmas and therefore does not buy presents for anyone, screw her!
So that was Christmas, wrapped up in a nutshell. If she could just remember those few simple things then she’d be able to sit back and relax. Just chill, enjoy this special time of year. I mean what could be nicer than spending a few days at home with your extended family!