How are you? Before I begin this letter I feel I need to share with you some important information about myself. I am not a Londoner by birth but I have lived in this great city for almost 25 years. I first moved to London or ‘The Smoke’ as we called it back then, in the nineties. The Smoke! very pretentious I know and believe me I’d hardly Michael Caine but still, that is how we referred to it. A quarter of a century later and I’m still here, and in that time I have walked the length and breadth of this city,
I have tramped through the busy streets of Camden in search of Flame Red Crazy Colour. Marched from Embankment to Hyde Park more times than I care to remember, and stumbled home from gigs in the early hours of the morning because I have been too pissed to get on a night bus. So far and wide have I travelled, I sometimes feel like I’m following the steps of the great Quentin Crisp, just without the style, heels and harassment.
I have visited every museum, gallery and tourist attraction this city has to offer. I’ve also been to several hundred different public houses, partied in almost every borough… even spent a few nights at various police stations, although not by choice. I thought I’d seen everything there was to see from Harlesden to Cockfosters, Bat and Ball to Canning Town, I was wrong.
Today my daughter and I, purely by chance discovered something we did not even know existed. I don’t think this establishment has ever even been mentioned in Time Out.
The place I am talking about is ‘The Central London Toilet Experience.’ This attraction was almost as terrifying as The London Dungeon Experience but at just fifty pence, a fraction of the price. This undiscovered attraction was so unique I felt compelled to write to you and give you some feedback and I also plan of course, to pass my review on to Trip Advisor.
Firstly, I have to say I really liked the way the toilets mirrored the London Dungeon with its locks and chains. But then you added a further dimension by making sure none of these actually worked. I also liked the way you stopped people from blocking the toilets with reams of toilet paper, by simply not having any. Pure genius !
Another unique feature of your bogs were the bins. I loved the use of symmetry here all four bin were simultaneously overflowing with used tampons and sanitary towels. The sight and smell of these were truly revolting and made me want to vomit. This surprised me as I have urinated in a variety of foul and wretched toilets in my time and honestly believed I was beyond repulsion.
I liked the way you cleverly used the facilities to advertise local businesses. I can not myself vouch for either Gina or Suzi’s services, but I will let my male friends know that they claim to give good head, at competitive rates. By the way is Linda Fletcher is still, “doing gay sex” at the graffiti suggests? It has always been something I wanted to try, but up until now just didn’t know how to go about it. Also, do you have an up to date phone number for her? The one scrawled on the toilet door is incorrect.
I have to admit I was a bit disappointed when I was unable to identify the putrid and toxic smell which hung in the air like the stench of death. It did briefly remind me of the time I got stuck in an on-site toilet on the final day of the Glastonbury Festival. Ah, happy days!
However, it also reminded me of a tannery I once had the misfortune to visit in Morocco. This wasn’t somewhere I wanted to go, you understand. I was hopping to go to the beach but misunderstood the directions. (Arabic in three weeks, my arse !)
But the most breathtaking feature of the Khazi had to be the pool of urine over the entire floor. This lake of human waste also made a big impression on my daughter. We both agreed that this was definitely the most memorable feature of the visit.
Sadly however I must finish by highlighting a few things that I thought the bathrooms were lacking, apart from obviously toilet paper, soap and minimal hygiene standards. I was disappointed by the lack of used needles on the floor, just one.
I think I mentioned earlier that I lived in London in the late ’90s and so you understand therefore that the bar is set very high. I mean is it is even a public toilet if there aren’t a collection of hypodermics on the floor? Still, I guess one is better than nothing and it was accompanied by some bloody tissues so top marks there.
Also, there was only a minimal amount of what I assumed was sick in the sink. Maybe you want to think about what other waste and other substances could be included and perhaps indulge visitors with slightly more generous amounts of it. Maybe add some cigarette butts or some used condoms? Just a suggestion. However, I am sure with a few simple changes you’d be able to charge an entrance fee of a pound.