Hi folks, sorry there has been such a long gap since my last post. This blog post is now well overdue, however when you read this story, you’ll realise its lateness is actually quite fitting.
Well, it’s almost the end of January, and Christmas is well and truly over. The tree is down, the once glorious tin of Quality Street is empty and Christ you’ve even done a 25-minute stint in the gym. But there’s still one thing that hasn’t been done. This thing haunts you with every step you take. It keeps you awake half the night, then torments you in your sleep. You can’t even look at your children without thinking about it. And there’s no use going to the pub because it follows you there too!
Yes, almost six weeks have passed since that faithful day when the sky literally rained toys. But your children still haven’t written their thank you letters, and there are eight of the sodding things to write. Did I imply it was your job? Well, unless you nag your lazy kids half to death, they are never going to write them, and we all know who’ll get the blame, bad mum. Drastic action is called for. The internet is turned off, the envelopes are out. All mobiles are locked away in a dynamite proof safe except yours of course, that’s never going to happen. Perhaps finally we’ll see some action.
And they’re off! Both children have miraculously found a pen and some paper, resources that previously alluded them, and look set to make a strong start. But oh no, what’s this, neither child can remember how to start a letter and now are both getting fractious. Jesus Christ, how many times does she have to show them this, surely they’ve been taught it at school.
After a little prompting and a bit more moaning, they are moving forward once again. Esme goes straight into the lead as Aaron has forgotten to write his address, that mistake is going to cost him. Ah, but what’s this, Esme speed has impacted on her performance. She has written Dear Uncle Glen but neglected to mention Aunty Wendy and is now getting agitated. Meanwhile, Aaron quickly writes his address, some pleasantries, and catapults into the lead.
He follows up with,
“Thank you very much for the gift voucher. It was very generous and thoughtful of you.” What a great comeback, he looks set to finish in record time. But what’s this, Esme has gotten over her earlier upset and is back in the game. There’s no stopping them now, the ink is flowing seamlessly. They are neck and neck, when, disaster strikes, they both hit a hurdle. These youngsters have thanked their aunty and uncle, but now have absolutely no idea what to write. Is this just a minor setback or are they both out of the running?
“Esme why don’t you tell them what you bought with your voucher? You know, the Star Wars electric toothbrush and the poster.”
Suggests her trainer.
Yeah, then you could say how you pestered your Mother every day for two weeks with, have they come yet? Have they come yet? Have they come yet?
“But what should I say?”
“Esme, I’ve literally just told you what to write!”
“What should I write?”
“Oh come on Aaron, you’re much older than her, you should be able to do this on your own by now!”
“MUM, just tell me what I’m meant to write?”
“Aaron, just I don’t know, make something up, I don’t care! just don’t tell them you’ve lost the bloody voucher, write anything, but that.”
Both children have managed a few more lines, but they are not on the home straight yet. Come on, you can do it, or can they?
“Mum, will that do? Is that enough?”
“No, Aaron, that will not do, that’s barely half a page. They gave you a fifty quid voucher. The very least you can do is write a decent thank you letter. Better still give me the voucher, and I’ll write the bloody letter myself.”
“I don’t think so, anyway mum you know no one writes letters anymore, don’t you?”
“Just fxxking write,”
“Something! Anything, write about school, your hobbies, your hopes, yours fears. Write about Game of Thrones or about that drunken lunatic who lives down the road and keeps shouting at people in Gaelic. I don’t care; just fill up that bloody page.”
Meanwhile, Esme has gained ground and is now the front runner. She’s finished her letter and has ended it with love Esme and several kisses, a beautiful finish,
Aaron is soon hot on her heels.
“Do I end it with, Yours sincerely?”
“No, Aaron, Christ, you’re writing a thank you letter, not asking them for a job!” Just a few seconds later and he’s finished. He’s done it! He went with yours faithfully in the end, a novice mistake, but he’s finished, this one’s in the bag, or rather in the envelope.
Of course, it’s not all over, these two youngsters still have more challenges to face, three to be exact but there is certainly hope for them. With God’s speed and plenty of Typex, we’re sure they’ll have every success in the future.