An overworked teacher’s guide to paediatric first aid.

By St Josephine’s Ambulance

Miss, My leg hurts  Give it a rub and I’ll get an ice pack

Sir, My arm hurts Give it a rub and I’ll get an ice pack

My back hurts  Do you want me to give it a rub and get you an ice pack?

My belly hurts (11.30am)  You’re probably hungry, don’t worry it’s lunch time soon

My belly hurts (2.30pm)  Try going to the toilet

I feel hot  Take your jumper of

I feel cold  Put your jumper on

I’ve got a headache  Have some water

I’ve got a stomach ache  Have some water and try going to the toilet.

I feel sick  Go to the toilet

My throat is sore  Drink some water

Old fashioned ambulance

Miss my nose is bleeding  Stop putting your finger up it then

Miss, my lips are dry and keep bleeding  Stop picking them

My eyes hurt  Well, that’s because you’re not wearing your glasses like I’ve told you 15 times this week.

My tooth is wobbly  And?

Miss my tooth is wobbly and it hurts  Let your mum/dad know when they pick you up

Miss, my head is all itchy  Christ don’t come near me then

I’m tired  Yes, we’re all tired darling, that’s the problem with capitalism

Sir I’ve got a continuous cough and I can’t smell my farts anymore.

Jesus Fxxking Christ, get your coat, it’s home time for you sonny..


Bloody tissue LisaRedfern pixabat

Old fashioned ambulance Hanimka Pixabay

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